Today I am 100% fed up. Most of the time, I consider myself to be an extremely positive person - sometimes to a fault. I think in some ways it has actually been a coping strategy I've used since I was young, trying to forget the bad things going on in life with a bag of Cheetos and a smile on my face. I don't like to feel defeated (or at least admit it), and I REALLY don't like other knowing that I don't have this world all figured out. It's denial, I know, because with one look at me, any stranger would know that there HAS to be issues under the surface. But yet, I remain the sunny-faced happy friend that others can rely on in their darkest hour, but can't bear to reach out in my own.
So here it is. This is all of the stuff that I bottle up and stuff down with food - and of course THAT isn't working for me!
The Anti-Bucket List (or, things I am currently dealing with that I want to get rid of.)
1. Feeling judged. All. The.Time. This is more to do with my own insecurities than anyone else. I've never been able to pull of that "big girl with all the confidence in the world" look. In someways, though, I KNOW that people make snap judgments on appearances - I do this too- and I would just like to have a chance to win people over without having to overcome the first impression.
2. Feeling like an abused girlfriend to food - my junkie food choices do nothing but AWFUL things to my body! They promise me momentary bliss, and allow me to relax and de-stress from all of life's problems, only to make them worse in the long run. Worse, I've tried EVERYTHING (really) and I still cannot seem to win, at least long-term
3. Giving up - very similar to #2. In my life, there have been things (both weight-related and not) that I have wanted to achieve, but I don't have the perseverance. As a child, I very rarely had to deal with delayed gratification (for reasons I'll go into later) and now I feel like it is a skill that has left me somewhat disabled.
4. Aches, pains, and frustration with my body. I am in my mid 20s. I should be able to go FOREVER without my legs hurting, without getting out of breath or needing to sit down. I should be able to sit in even the rickety-est chairs with full confidence that it is strong enough to hold me. I know I will enjoy moving SO MUCH MORE if I lose even a percentage of all the weight I need to lose.
5. Low self esteem - I want to go out and pound down some serious goals so that I can stop doubting myself at every turn. I doubt every decision, every action, and even every opinion I have, and I know that if I can go out and achieve some of my goals, I will feel so much more ready to take on anything.
Some of this I have mentioned in another blog post, but tonight is a night I just need to say all of this again, maybe to give myself that swift kick in the rear. Now on to the weekend!